The Wrong Answer

I stood patiently and tried to keep from rolling my eyes while the unsmiling TSA agent at LaGuardia matter-of-factly informed me of all the places she'd be touching me.

I didn't want to point out that my ticket said "TSA Precheck" which usually means you are exempt from taking your shoes off and being pawed. But for some reason, even though I was TSA Precheck, I was "randomly" selected for further abuse checking.

I'm really not good at hiding my feelings. They show on my face. And when she finished telling me all the places she was going to be touching me, it was really hard for me to contain my enthusiasm. And then she asked me if it was "okay".

Is it okay? Seriously? Of course it's not okay. You want to touch me there, you need to kiss me and buy me dinner. Is it okay??? But I said none of this. I did my best to show great restraint.

What I said instead was "Why don't I just take my pants off?" In all truth, if I took my pants off, she could see that I wasn't hiding anything and she could keep her grubby paws to herself. But that answer got me a good wait in line. Good thing we arrived at the airport early,

She called someone else in and once again I had to listen to the grim details of all the places she was going to touch me. But I also had to listen to her scold me for giving the agent a hard time.

I did not give anyone a hard tine. I've had TSA agents stick their hands down my pants. I'm not excited by the prospect. I don't like it. I will never like it. I find it abusive and disgusting. I told her that. She assured me that her hands would remain outside my clothing and asked if it was okay for her to proceed.

"I guess it will have to be okay because if I don't say it's okay, I'll never get home. And I want to go home."

Then she offered to take me into a private room and paw me there. I'm certainly not going to agree to that. If you're going to paw me, do it out here where everyone can see. Again, things I didn't say. What I did say was "Okay. And no, I don't want a private room."

Fortunately for me, she didn't touch me in all the places she told me she would. I'm happy about that. But I still think there was nothing "random" about the check. I think the agent stepped on a buzzer because she didn't like the look of me for some reason.

How can it be random when the only people ever pulled aside for these checks are typically over 50? Some are too old and infirm to even get their own shoes off. And if they are random, why have I NEVER seen anyone in a burqa get selected? NEVER ONCE.