Living in Fear

The words "fear not" appear in the Bible about 365 times. Once for every day of the year. I think it was FDR who said we have nothing to fear but fear itself. And that may very well be the case. But thinking back, I realize that most of my life I have been afraid of something.

When I was a little girl, I was afraid of displeasing or disobeying my mother. I was afraid because there were consequences and they were unpleasant. When I was a teenager I was afraid of getting caught doing something I knew I wasn't supposed to do. (But I wasn't afraid enough not to do it.)

I still do things out of fear. For example, I wear a seat belt when I'm in the car. I wrecked my car decades ago. Even though it was the law, I chose not to wear a seat belt. It wrinkled my clothes. It was uncomfortable. But then a car hit me and my car (a big Buick Roadmaster) was spinning out of control - because you know it happens in slow motion - and when it finally stopped, I was in the passenger seat. It wasn't a matter of sliding across a bench seat. I had to be thrown over the console to get there even though I don't remember that happening. It didn't take long to occur to me that if I'd had my seat belt on, I might have remained in the driver's seat and maintained control of the car instead of having it spin around like a thrill ride. I've worn a seat belt ever since because I'm afraid of losing control of the car, and while a seat belt doesn't guarantee that I'll retain control, it helps. The only way to guarantee it won't happen is to avoid getting in cars.

I use the handrails when I go up and down stairs because I'm afraid of falling, something I wasn't afraid of when I was younger. Handrails are required by building codes even though young people don't actually use or need them and there is no law requiring you to hold the rail. The spacing of banister rails is also dictated by building codes - to keep people (children mostly) from falling through them - although it doesn't seem to prevent them from getting their heads stuck between them.

I use a potholder when I take things out of the oven because I'm afraid of burning myself. I've accidentally done it, and it hurts.

Now there's coronavirus. So many people are upset about wearing a mask To hear them tell it, not only are you living in fear, but the government is controlling you. Or maybe it's the media controlling you. Whatever. You are accused of not being able to think if you have a mask on. You're seen as weak.

If you look back at pictures from 1918, people were wearing masks during the Spanish Flu pandemic. And if they weren't living in fear, perhaps they should have been. The Spanish Flu infected about 500 million people worldwide (about one third of the world's population) and killed about 50 million of them. They had some of the same issues then. Learn More

I don't understand people. I truly don't. If there's a simple, cost-effective way to reduce the risk of being infected or infecting someone else, why wouldn't people be all over it? I guess for the same reasons that people don't want to wear a seat belt.  People I know who wouldn't dream of taking a hot pan out of the oven without a potholder are more than happy to hang out in public places with people they don't know and take their chances with a virus that could kill them, especially if they have any underlying health issues.

Fair Weather Friends

So all of this thinking about friends reminded me of something.

A little backstory - in a previous life (and marriage), all we did was play golf. All vacations had to include golf. We had no friends outside of the golf club. We ate at the golf club and if we went somewhere else for a meal, it was with other members. Every weekend we had tee times to accommodate roughly 16 players.

At one point, one couple decided to move to Mexico. There was a big party and off they went. We went to visit them in Cabo a couple of times and then we thought about moving there ourselves. It would be wonderful. I could work remotely. I'd even had a word with my manager; she was all for it. We could have team meetings there. And we had a plan for a business there. So my husband went to check it out. He was driving rather than flying so it would take a bit longer to get there and back.

Before he left, all of our friends we played golf with made a point of coming up to us and saying to him "Don't you worry about her while you're gone. We're going to take care of her." And to me, "Now if you need anything while he's gone, you just call."

And off he went. And my tee times were taken care of and I had people to eat with. But then I woke up one morning and I didn't have hot water. I suspected the pilot light went out on the water heater but I didn't know how to check it. I also didn't want to pay a service call for a plumber just to relight the pilot. I needed someone to check the pilot light and relight it if it had gone out before I called for a repair or a replacement.

I started with the couple who lived closest to us and worked my way through ALL of those people who had offered to help if I needed ANYTHING AT ALL. A few people offered the name and phone number of their favorite plumber, but most of them just told me to find a plumber, like I didn't already know that.

It was disappointing, but they weren't contractually obligated to help me. All friendships have boundaries, and apparently I'd discovered the limits of those.

Years later when I was getting a divorce, one person who'd already been through that told me, "When you get a divorce here, you'll find out who your friends are and you'll find out you don't have any." I think I already knew that.

Cleaning House

I've got to say that being isolated has been somewhat productive. I've reorganized the pantry and  every closet in the house except Mark's. I got rid of a bunch of stuff that I'll never wear or use again.

I've also had a lot of time to think about all sorts of things. I've spent a good bit of time thinking about friends. A lifetime of them. I thought about how friendship changes. And how friendships change. And how FaceBook and social media in general have muddied the friendship waters.

I thought about writing about how friendships change throughout your life -starting with the times I ran inside crying to my mom that "Kathy isn't going to be my friend anymore" and then the transition to school, and junior high and high school and then college. The transitions and changes when you marry, and then divorce, and then marry again. But I doubt my experience is significantly different from anyone else's, so I scrapped that idea. I may come back to it. Who knows?

At any rate, there are acquaintances and there are friends. I don't expect much from acquaintances. But I do have expectations of friends.

1. I expect a friend to communicate with me. Whether it's in person, on the phone or online doesn't matter.  
2. I expect a friend to cheer my successes and achievements and celebrate with me.
3. I expect a friend to have something in common with me. It may be core beliefs and values or it may be shared experience. 

Most of the people I have known in my life are acquaintances rather than friends. Then along comes social media. FaceBook started out as a great thing. At least I think so. It was great to reconnect with school friends and work friends that I'd lost touch with over the years. Sort of like email. Remember when email was new? People used it in place of writing letters. Seriously, they did! And then it became a platform for chain letters and jokes. I rarely look at email anymore. It's mostly spam, anyway. And now it's happening to FaceBook. People used to share what was going on in their lives - completed craft projects, funny things that happened at work, frustrations with the weather, malfunctioning appliances and misbehaving dogs. They shared pictures of kids, grandkids, pets, gardens and vacations. There's still some of that, but too often it's Smudge the Cat or some political nonsense put out by disinformation farms. 

So I decided to do a bit of social media housecleaning. That was about three weeks ago and I have no regrets. I went through my friends list and looked at each one with the following criteria in mind:

If you're not (or would not) be my friend in real life, we don't need to be connected on social media. This category covered the most people. If the highlight of your day was someone "putting me in my place" or "giving me hell" than you are no longer my friend on social media. If I met you through my husband's networking group and we never had any contact outside of that, you are no longer my friend on social media. If you never actually liked me, but tolerated me because you liked Mark, then you are no longer my friend on social media. Oddly, I did retain a few friends who are deceased. (I'm not totally sure why.)

If your posts are always negative you are no longer my friend on social media. It wearies me. Also if the only thing you ever share is Smudge the Cat, you are no longer my friend on social media. In fact, if you never post anything but memes and you managed to miss the first cut, you are probably on very thin ice right now. Articles = good. Memes = bad (unless they are funny).

If you never comment or respond in some way to things that I post, I assume that you already blocked me and therefore won't notice that you are no longer my friend on social media.

The Best and Worst of Isolation

Because We're Not Going Anywhere

The best:

1. I don't need to check my calendar for anything. 
2. I can serve dinner at 8 or 9 pm because it won't interfere with anyplace we have to be.
3. Instead of our walks outdoors, we are now doing YouTube exercise/fitness videos. It's actually more fun than the fitness classes I'd been taking.
4. I don't feel I need to put on makeup most days. (Think of the savings!)
5. We're saving a ton of money on gas.  
6. I have more time to read. 
7. The telemarketers have been laid off, too. Spam calls are greatly reduced.
8. I am organizing everything - the pantry, my closet and the utility room are pretty well done. 

The worst:

1. I don't need to check my calendar for anything. 
2. I miss visiting with friends.
3. I am in dire need of a manicure/pedicure. 
4. We're spending more on groceries because they are being delivered.
5. I want new pots and plants but I can't get them.
6. The weather is so perfect and we're not out in it much.
7. Companies are not answering their phones. If there's a problem with your bill, you're going to have to write a snail mail letter. 
8. I'm afraid this will go on far longer than we think it will. Even if the curve gets flattened, without a proven treatment or a vaccine, it will still not be safe.

Things that don't make sense:

1. I want to buy new clothes, but I don't actually need them because we're staying home. 
2. Some days I don't do much because I want to have something to do the next day.

Wasting Time

I'm aware that people are dying and I don't want to get disproportionately bent out of shape over some shoe boxes. Even though those boxes are standing between me and a perfectly organized closet and a bedroom floor that is free of shoes. It troubles my OCD soul.

But what really annoys me is that they wasted my time. I ordered on March 21st. On March 23rd I got the notice that my order had shipped and would be delivered on April 1st. Okay. I'm not going anywhere. I can wait. Then on April 1st it got to be past 6 so I checked the link they sent me. That indicated that the order would be delivered by 8 pm. Okay, I can wait. Then at 8:30 when I checked the link they sent me, I got a different message. "We're sorry. On the way but running late. Contact the shipper." - Which in this case they claimed was UPS.

Now the thing about UPS is that they can't help you without a tracking number, and I didn't have one. Amazon is short handed at the moment and they didn't answer the phone. The automated system advised me to contact the shipper. Apparently, the shipper should respond within 48 hours. At any rate, you can't request a refund for at least 3 days.

My best guess is that if there had actually been a shipment, they'd have been happy to give me a tracking number. They went immediately to refund after three days with no response to the request for the tracking number. Therefore I assume they never actually shipped it. They knew the day they told me I'd have it on April 1 that I would never see it at all. So I wasted 10 days waiting for it and another 3 to get the refund.

I figured I'd be clever and order it through Mark's Prime account so I could have next day delivery, but in those two weeks I was waiting for it the price went up. Significantly. From $88 to $115. So that plan didn't work either. I know they're price gouging on toilet paper but why are they raising the price of plastic shoe boxes?

Last night I ordered them from Bed Bath and Beyond. They say I'll receive them sometime between next Friday and the end of the month. In the meantime, I live with the disarray. (It bothers no one but me.) But I still don't understand why that Amazon seller felt it was okay to waste my time. I'm nearly 70, it's not an unlimited commodity.

So I Stopped

I know many people who are into needlework and sewing. I've tried my hand at most of it, but it's not something I do much of these days.

I did some sewing in my teens and twenties because I wanted more clothes than I could afford to buy. There was a point where it became more cost effective to buy them than to make them and so I stopped.

I wanted to learn to knit when I was in my early 20s. Someone gave me a book. It looked easy enough. But there must have been a flaw in the directions because instead of having a scarf, I had a trapezoid. My neighbor told me I'd dropped a stitch every time I tried to turn. I was successful at changing colors and making a stripe, but I couldn't manage a rectangle. So I stopped.

I learned to crochet when I was little. I had two aunts who excelled at it. But let me be clear - all I learned to crochet was a chain. Not particularly useful or decorative. And by the time I was in my teens I didn't even remember how to do that. When I was in my 20s my mother took up crocheting and was making afghans for everyone. (I still have one or two of them.) I wanted to be able to make them, too. She tried to teach me a basic stitch she used, but it turned out about the same as knitting - I was dropping stitches and heading in the direction of a trapezoid. Then one day she called to tell me that she'd learned a new stitch - "and it's so simple, even you can do it!" It didn't help my self esteem when it turned out that I couldn't actually do it. So I stopped.

 I also did a bit of needlepoint years ago when I was trying to stop smoking. It kept my hands busy. There are three pieces I did that are framed and hanging on a wall in my home. I have one more that I did (over 20 years ago, mind you) that I have not yet had framed. I was thinking of making it into a pillow because I recognize that there is a limit to the number of framed needlepoint pieces one should have in one's house. I had enough. So I stopped.

I decided to do embroidery instead. I'd learned basic embroidery as a child so it wasn't really a problem. I knew I couldn't do counted cross-stitch so I tried stamped cross stitch. You still have to count it and I lose count. I may never finish that piece. Next, I started a set of pillowcases that are just regular embroidery and they still aren't finished. In the box of things that I inherited from my mother there was a very ambitious piece to embroider - looks like a bedspread. She started it and didn't get very far. So far I haven't added anything to it. I hope one of my granddaughters is learning embroidery. I haven't technically stopped - I just haven't picked it up in several years.

I also started a quilt when my first husband and I split up about 45 years ago, I cut up a bunch of fabric scraps into 2-inch pieces and then started sewing them by hand. It kept me occupied for a while. I have a large diamond shape made out of those 2-inch pieces. I haven't picked that up in decades.

I actually completed a latch-hook rug. They make great wall hangings but not very good rugs. I never made another one because no one needs more than one latch hook piece hanging in their home. The one I made had a sailboat design in earth tones. The last time it  was used was when I had a lake house on Lake Texoma some 25 or more years ago. I still have it though, just in case.

Weaving and tatting are not even on the radar. Looks like needlework is not destined to be my hobby. But we'll see how things progress with the lock down..

What Do You Like to Do?

What do you like to do? It's a question I've been asked a lot in the last six months.  Most of my life I've been asked "What do you do?" - in the context of a career or employment. Since moving to an over-55 community, aka "retirement community" the question has changed because the assumption is that you're retired.

This is a question I'm totally unprepared for. I like to sleep but I know that's not the answer anyone is looking for. My personal belief is that sleep is completely underrated.

But seriously, I like a variety of things and I've done a variety of things, some of which I liked better than others. Some I'm willing to do again, others not so much.

For example, I like to read. I've liked reading my entire life - even before I could do it myself. But I don't really want to join a book club because I like to choose what I want to read, when I want to read it and I don't like to be on a schedule.

Then there is needlework. A seemingly infinite variety of needlework - knitting, crocheting, sewing, quilting, embroidery, needlepoint, weaving and tatting. Have I missed any? Oh yeah, latch hook. We'll talk about those tomorrow, but for now let's just say maybe.

I like to play golf but I don't want to play every day. And around here, I'm told that if you're not going to play at least three times a week, joining the club is not fiscally responsible. So I'm not going to join the club, which means that I can't join the official 18 hole group, but I can play with the official 9 hole group.  Or I can play with an unofficial group that likes to play on the same day every week and Mark and I can play 9 or 18 any time we want to. But now that we're in the middle of a stay at home order, it looks like I won't be playing at all.

As for other sports, I don't care much. My knees will no longer allow me to play tennis or ski. I suspect pickle ball is something else my knees wouldn't like. Once the pandemic is over, we may try bocce except that they play so early in the morning. I don't follow any pro or college teams and Mark doesn't care very much, either.

Then there's crafting and painting. I go to craft fairs from time to time and look at things and say to myself  "I could make that!". Yes, I could but chances are good that I won't. Unless it's a holiday decoration and then I might. In the "not a holiday decoration" category, I made a macrame plant hanger once - a long time ago back in the 70s when it was something of a pandemic. (I don't know where it is now.) As far as painting goes, I'm not talented but I can make something that's good enough to fill the space if I need to. But doing things out of necessity isn't the same as a hobby.

I loved gardening when I was in Texas. Although in recent years I had to pay someone to do the weeding. Now I'll be doing most all my gardening in pots. I'm still learning what plants will do well in my new climate, but right now I have no spare pots and no way to buy plants.

Then there's cooking - because I like eating, and I don't like eating the same thing over and over. I never saw my mother use a recipe for anything other than baking cookies. She had a few cookbooks. I know because I have them now. And while I didn't know the day of the week based on what was on the table, I did know that if she was making pork chops, she would be making them the same way she'd made them the week before. She made the food her mother taught her to make (and the food my father liked) - fried chicken, fried pork chops, and pot roast, mostly seasoned with salt and pepper. Don't know how Sloppy Joes got into the mix - it wasn't something Grandma made. And by the way, pasta was NOT a staple in our house when I was growing up. I'm on the opposite end of that spectrum. I like trying new recipes. Recipes often don't get back into the rotation for months if not years. I have just about every spice known to man. But because I'm usually following a new recipe, I do very few things from memory. Although I have a few basic recipes in my head in the event I fail to plan ahead. Fortunately, Mark likes to cook every now and then, (mostly because if he didn't, he would not get his shepherd's pie, spaghetti Bolognese, and some other dishes he considers comfort food on a regular basis. It also seems that baking is considered a hobby, but cooking is not.

Several times I've been asked if I play cards or games. I like them -  in a casual way. It's been fun to spend an evening playing dominoes, cards, and/or board games with friends. It's something to do while you socialize. On the other hand, I know people who play bridge several times a week and others who have a weekly poker game. I just can't see myself doing that.

Maybe this makes me a Jack of all trades and master of none. And that's okay, I do like variety and I'm willing to try most things - except sky diving and car racing - although there was a time...but I've closed that window.