I just can't see what's on that little iPhone screen, so I called United Healthcare's customer service number. The automated system wanted to know whether I wanted a medical doctor, a mental health doctor, or something to do with substance abuse. None of those options were right. I wanted to locate a "surgical facility" or maybe a "hospital". Like an idiot, I tried to explain what I wanted to a machine. Like a bigger idiot, the machine decided that it couldn't help me and offered to connect me with someone who could. Hurray!
Well, almost hurray. I don't think the human had much understanding of what a "surgical facility" was, either. So I decided to hone in on "hospital". This should have been my first clue, but for some reason, it wasn't. The young lady asked for my zip code and then told me that the nearest one was Baylor in McKinney. That's good to know, except that my doctor is in Plano and I thought he would probably want to use a Plano facility. I told the young lady that I wanted to find a hospital in Plano.
She gave me another option in McKinney.
No. I want to know what is in the network in Plano. Plano. Not McKinney. She finally offered me one option. Now, it's important to note that there is more than one hospital in Plano these days. There's the HCA hospital, Presbyterian, Baylor, and Harris Methodist - and that's just off the top of my head. Of course the one option she gave me was the one I don't really want. (Great place to have a baby or a hang nail - anything more serious and it's not where I want to be.)
I told her I couldn't believe that was the one and only option in Plano. She told me she was looking for all hospitals within 20 miles of Texas.
What????? It suddenly hit me that she had no clue where or what Texas is. It's a state, not a city, you silly girl.
I had to ask, "Where are you located?"
Did I get a straight answer? No. "There was nothing in your zip code so I looked for 10 miles and then 15 miles and now I look for 20 miles within Texas."
"I don't think you know anything about the geography here. Where are you located?"
She clearly didn't want to answer that question. She almost started to cry. "I'm doing my job. I'm providing you with information you ask for."
"I understand that. I'm not unhappy with you. I'm unhappy with your answer. Where are you located?"
"I'm in the Phillipines."
Well, Geez Louise. No wonder she doesn't understand why "within 20 miles of Texas" is a fairly dumb thing to say.
"I want to speak to someone in the United States. Can you transfer me to someone in the United States?"
Well, clearly she couldn't. I think she transferred me to the New York State Department of Health. Knowing they couldn't help me and not having the time or patience to navigate their automated system, I gave up and called back. This time I selected the option for making a payment. Surely the payment information doesn't go through offshore people. When the young man answered, I started that conversation with "Where are you located? Are you in the United States?"
The short answer was "I'm offshore."
"What number do I have to call to talk to someone in the United States?"
The short answer was "I don't know."
And by that time we were at the doctor's office. And as it turns out, the surgery won't be until after we return from the UK in February so I really don't need to worry about UHC's in-network nightmare. By that time I'll be rid of United Healthcare and on the Blue Cross/Blue Shield plan. And I'm happy to report that when I called BCBS to make my payment, I got someone in the United States who was able to set me up on auto-draft. (I'd asked the folks at UHC to set me up on auto-draft but they were unable to do that. Just as well.)
Can't wait for February when UHC will be out of my life. That will be almost as big a relief as getting my knee scoped.
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