Becoming...Special

I recently read Michelle Obama's book, Becoming. I also read Becoming Mrs. Lewis, a novel about Joy Davidman who married C.S. Lewis. One of the themes running throughout both of these books was the feeling of not being enough - not good enough, not smart enough, not pretty enough. I certainly experienced all of those when I was a teen. My parents were of a mind that you didn't want to overtly praise a child for fear of them getting a "big head". 

Then I got married. That bolstered my self-esteem!. I was chosen. I was loved. Then one day at the tender age of 23, I found that I'd been deselected. No longer loved. The effect was devastating. What was wrong with me? Not good enough. Not pretty enough. Not attentive enough. Not a good cook. Not a good mother. I wanted to see the woman he preferred to me. I wanted to compare my hair, my eyes, my body to hers so I could see where I was deficient and fix the problem. Maybe she had a better sense of humor, maybe she was an auto mechanic. I had to know so I could remake myself in her image and save the relationship. When I realized that there was no other woman I was even more upset. That meant that it was just me. When it came down to being with me or being alone, he preferred to be alone. Total devastation. Not good enough. Not enough.

To top it off, he told me that I just wasn't fun. And that was what I needed to hear because that made me angry. He had the nerve to say I wasn't fun? He was no barrel of laughs. We had a three year old, I worked full time and took two classes per semester trying to finish my degree. And like so many woman in that era, the housekeeping chores were primarily mine. When did I have time to be fun? And what fun was he looking for? He sat around and watched TV all evening and if I had anything to say, I had to wait for a commercial to say it. That certainly wasn't fun. Did he think I was obliged to amuse him? But it did motivate me to stop crying and get some semblance of a life back.

It took a lot of support from friends and a few professionals to help me recover my self worth and realize that I was good enough, pretty enough, and smart enough. I could cook. I could sew. I could hold down a decent job. I made As in my classes. I was never beautiful, but I was attractive and I never lacked female friends or male attention. He couldn't take that away from me. Those friends and professionals helped me see that I'd stopped being me in order to be the person he wanted and in the end, he didn't want that person.
I vowed to myself never to compromise myself in that way again, and I haven't.

Every now and then I have a day when I have feelings of inadequacy. Not good enough - not pretty enough. (I almost always think I'm smart enough.) Fortunately, I got past most of that insecurity all those years ago in my 20s. I am smart enough. I am pretty enough. And I am special.

In fact, there was one hapless young man when I was in my 20s who managed to show up at my house intending to take me out. He arrived about a half hour later than the agreed upon time after spending the afternoon out drinking with his buddies and if that wasn't bad enough, he had no real plan for the evening.

I was not happy. He'd turned up at my door in jeans and a grubby tee shirt half drunk with no plan! What was he thinking?? I remember telling him at the time that I was special and he needed to treat me like I was special. Showing up half drunk with no plan was no way to treat someone special. I didn't stand for it then, and I wouldn't stand for it now.

And thank goodness I don't have to. Mark always treats me like I'm special - except when he walks ahead of me! (He says I need to speed up.) I wake up in the morning and I see him. If he's awake, he's smiling. What could possibly be better than waking up to someone who loves you smiling at you? I can't imagine anything better. I never experienced it before. And while I don't necessarily wake up smiling, once I see him smiling, I automatically smile back, because I know that not only am I enough - I'm special. And I'm grateful to have someone in my life who recognizes that.