Fair Weather Friends

So all of this thinking about friends reminded me of something.

A little backstory - in a previous life (and marriage), all we did was play golf. All vacations had to include golf. We had no friends outside of the golf club. We ate at the golf club and if we went somewhere else for a meal, it was with other members. Every weekend we had tee times to accommodate roughly 16 players.

At one point, one couple decided to move to Mexico. There was a big party and off they went. We went to visit them in Cabo a couple of times and then we thought about moving there ourselves. It would be wonderful. I could work remotely. I'd even had a word with my manager; she was all for it. We could have team meetings there. And we had a plan for a business there. So my husband went to check it out. He was driving rather than flying so it would take a bit longer to get there and back.

Before he left, all of our friends we played golf with made a point of coming up to us and saying to him "Don't you worry about her while you're gone. We're going to take care of her." And to me, "Now if you need anything while he's gone, you just call."

And off he went. And my tee times were taken care of and I had people to eat with. But then I woke up one morning and I didn't have hot water. I suspected the pilot light went out on the water heater but I didn't know how to check it. I also didn't want to pay a service call for a plumber just to relight the pilot. I needed someone to check the pilot light and relight it if it had gone out before I called for a repair or a replacement.

I started with the couple who lived closest to us and worked my way through ALL of those people who had offered to help if I needed ANYTHING AT ALL. A few people offered the name and phone number of their favorite plumber, but most of them just told me to find a plumber, like I didn't already know that.

It was disappointing, but they weren't contractually obligated to help me. All friendships have boundaries, and apparently I'd discovered the limits of those.

Years later when I was getting a divorce, one person who'd already been through that told me, "When you get a divorce here, you'll find out who your friends are and you'll find out you don't have any." I think I already knew that.

Cleaning House

I've got to say that being isolated has been somewhat productive. I've reorganized the pantry and  every closet in the house except Mark's. I got rid of a bunch of stuff that I'll never wear or use again.

I've also had a lot of time to think about all sorts of things. I've spent a good bit of time thinking about friends. A lifetime of them. I thought about how friendship changes. And how friendships change. And how FaceBook and social media in general have muddied the friendship waters.

I thought about writing about how friendships change throughout your life -starting with the times I ran inside crying to my mom that "Kathy isn't going to be my friend anymore" and then the transition to school, and junior high and high school and then college. The transitions and changes when you marry, and then divorce, and then marry again. But I doubt my experience is significantly different from anyone else's, so I scrapped that idea. I may come back to it. Who knows?

At any rate, there are acquaintances and there are friends. I don't expect much from acquaintances. But I do have expectations of friends.

1. I expect a friend to communicate with me. Whether it's in person, on the phone or online doesn't matter.  
2. I expect a friend to cheer my successes and achievements and celebrate with me.
3. I expect a friend to have something in common with me. It may be core beliefs and values or it may be shared experience. 

Most of the people I have known in my life are acquaintances rather than friends. Then along comes social media. FaceBook started out as a great thing. At least I think so. It was great to reconnect with school friends and work friends that I'd lost touch with over the years. Sort of like email. Remember when email was new? People used it in place of writing letters. Seriously, they did! And then it became a platform for chain letters and jokes. I rarely look at email anymore. It's mostly spam, anyway. And now it's happening to FaceBook. People used to share what was going on in their lives - completed craft projects, funny things that happened at work, frustrations with the weather, malfunctioning appliances and misbehaving dogs. They shared pictures of kids, grandkids, pets, gardens and vacations. There's still some of that, but too often it's Smudge the Cat or some political nonsense put out by disinformation farms. 

So I decided to do a bit of social media housecleaning. That was about three weeks ago and I have no regrets. I went through my friends list and looked at each one with the following criteria in mind:

If you're not (or would not) be my friend in real life, we don't need to be connected on social media. This category covered the most people. If the highlight of your day was someone "putting me in my place" or "giving me hell" than you are no longer my friend on social media. If I met you through my husband's networking group and we never had any contact outside of that, you are no longer my friend on social media. If you never actually liked me, but tolerated me because you liked Mark, then you are no longer my friend on social media. Oddly, I did retain a few friends who are deceased. (I'm not totally sure why.)

If your posts are always negative you are no longer my friend on social media. It wearies me. Also if the only thing you ever share is Smudge the Cat, you are no longer my friend on social media. In fact, if you never post anything but memes and you managed to miss the first cut, you are probably on very thin ice right now. Articles = good. Memes = bad (unless they are funny).

If you never comment or respond in some way to things that I post, I assume that you already blocked me and therefore won't notice that you are no longer my friend on social media.